It’s Christmas time, X Factor is over, and we have a very special review for you
We’re nearly there, guys! Christmas is almost here. Soon we will banish all of the presents, tinsel and good cheer and be left with nothing but a hangover and some more socks. Good. I love socks and I can’t be arsed with this bloody holiday any more. There hasn’t been much Christmas music released this year, which can only be seen as a good thing, but the bits that have made their way into my ears, jingling all the way, have made me fucking sick. Pile on a bunch of carolers on ever high-street and in every supermarket and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I can’t wait for it to be over and we can get back to hating music for just being shit, not for being shit AND festive. Am I bitching about something very inconsequential? Absolutely! Will I feel better after stuffing my mouth with as many roast potatoes as possible? Almost certainly! Should we get on and look at the new singles? I guess.
Sam Bailey – Skyscraper
Oh boy! The newest X Factor champion has released her first single and it’s top of the charts for Christmas. All is right with the world, because we wouldn’t want something interesting happening again like when those rough, tough and dangerous Rage Against The Machine boys somehow weaselled their way in that one year.
Not that having the number 1 track at Christmas should really be a big deal. No one buys CD singles any more, so it’s not like people will buy it as a gift (and I wouldn’t wish the gift of this song on anybody else, but we’ll get onto that). It’s all media hype put forward by the people behind the media to make it seem important and pit their peons (the music buying public) against each other in a battle of capitalism, a competition to see who can buy the most of one song by their “champion” and be crowd “Number 1 Christmas Single!” Well, Louie Walsh has had his Christmas wish come true and the X Factor Winner’s Single is number 1.
Of course, these X Factor “musicians” never do an original song because creativity is positively frowned upon on that show, so here’s someone called Sam Bailey singing Skyscraper by Demi Lovato. Basically this is nothing more than karaoke when someone’s turned up to the pub determined to actually sing well and show everyone up. Too bad that’s not why people come to karaoke. People go there to scream Three Lions (Football’s Coming Home) at the top of their lungs and make obscene gestures while singing I Touch Myself by Divinyls. The person who actually tries hard to sing well ends up looking like an idiot and going home early to watch Alan Carr: Chatty Man.
Skyscraper was dull as dishwater the first time round, and Sam Bailey does not make it any better. If anything it’s worse because she’s just copying Demi Lovato’s performance of the song and doing absolutely nothing to try and make it entertaining. And she was the winner! She won a talent show! Were the other contestants a bag of ready salted crisps and a wet shoe? If Sam Bailey is the best musician this country has to offer, let England fall of the face of the Earth and never be heard from again because we’re completely irrelevant. We should be ashamed.
AND THAT’S IT
No more music got released, probably because we’re a bit embarrassed about this whole X-Factor thing and too busy with Christmas shopping, but no new singles came out. I already did my “Songs I Liked This Year” thing last week, so I can’t do that again. My Year In Singles article should be coming out pretty soon so there goes that idea. I guess it’s lucky I had quite a bit to say about Sam Bailey otherwise this would all seem a bit bare. We’ll see if any new single get released next week, but if they don’t and I mysteriously don’t write a feature about a boring week full of nothing, have a good new year. 2014 is probably going to be just as shit as 2013, so look forward to that, fuckers.
Image: Alex Hannam via Flickr
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